Rewarding Loyalty

It’s just shy of a whole year being back in the world of work, since having my children. I started the year with conviction and the desire to succeed. Everyday I would go in, feeling a little less guilt and a little more deserving. I now find myself in a place looking for something that could suit me better… unable to manage my workload, making me doubt everything I know. I’m getting through the days… just about keeping my head above water.

I know I’m not stupid, but I definitely feel I’m not as efficient as I was before maternity leave. I’m currently a lot more disciplined with my time, I have to be, otherwise I don’t see my kids. Previously I could pull a few late nights, rest up over the weekend, and then be rearing to goagain come Monday. Unfortunately now, I find myself dancing between ‘tired’, ‘very tired’ and ‘exhausted’, pretty much every single day. I don’t bring home the big bucks, so why am I killing myself trying. Today I randomly found myself job hunting on the work laptop. By character, I’m pretty loyal, so one part of my brain keeps saying loyalty will be rewarded… keep going, you’ll get the recognition and reward soon. On the other hand, the opposite side of my brain is telling me to depend on myself only for my reward… my currently role are not very likely to increase my salary to the levels getting a new role could offer me… so what am I doing? My work is suffering, my health isn’t in the best place, and I’m unable to my personal relationships the focus that they deserve… so who’s actually winning here?

xx

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To fake it or not?

Why do people talk a good game, but sit on the sidelines? Why do people say things they don’t mean and forget to say what they do? What’s the point when their bull***t makes it way round eventually anyways?

Just be upfront, be human, be real. So what if people don’t like you… they don’t have to live with you. Some may choose to, but they don’t have to. You have to live with you. With they things you say, the type of person you are.

How some people get through their lives riding high on crap, still baffles me til this day. If I can see they don’t have a clue, and others can too, why can’t the superiors? Soon that crap riding person will be very high up in the ranks. It makes me really uncomfortable to think what they could be earning, for knowing nothing. Ok slight exaggeration, but you know what I mean.

I admit that we are all responsible for our success to some extent. And we should develop our knowledge and expertise where possible. But when you sit at your desk working your butt off and then the crap riders swan in, it just makes my blood boil. A great networker, clearly! I’ll give them that. But that’s it.
I’ll respect you more if you’re honest, than blagging it.

We’re all obsessed with making and maintaining the right impression, keeping the interest, that we become fake versions of ourselves, in the hope to get noticed. This is in the office, as well as out and about in social settings. Some of us hate the idea of fake-ness, but can we honestly say we haven’t said or done something we don’t entirely agree with, in the hope to be liked more?

xx

JDI

Wow, it has been a while… I hadn’t even realised how long, until I actually stopped to think about it. The days are just flying.

Soon it will be one year since we moved into our new home, as well as me being back at work from maternity leave. A couple of months after that, my little monsters will be celebrating their 2nd birthday, and I just wonder how do things pass us by so quickly, that you bearly get the time fully savour and enjoy them.

We all know that life is short when you are enjoying it, and long when you are waiting for it… so don’t wait for it, make it happen. Launch into something new, something different… to broaden your mind and self. Break the cycle and go and visit someone you’ve been putting off seeing, or go and eat st that restaurant you can’t seem to make time for, or go read that paperback and feel the pages turn, rather than flick a screen. Talk to people face to face, than via phone… you’ll  feel great, you’ll want to do it more.

Otherwise we’ll eventually become the antisocial socialists… neither here nor there.

xx

Looking back at me

Time has gone by, achievements made, experiences had, some good, some not so. I have grown up, I have aged, I have matured. So then why do childlike insecurities haunt me till this day. Why does someone’s passing comment feel harsh and critical. It’s not, they don’t even remember saying it, yet it stings. Maybe because it’s true?

So in a recent post I mentioned about starting to want to feel more like me, I starting wearing a little make again. But I have been told I look like a ghost, that it is unappealing. I’m wearing for myself, so why should it even bother me what others think? But it does. It pisses me off that at 34 I can’t even feel secure enough in myself over something fairly insignificant. How am I meant yoinstill anything more in my kids if I can’t even control my own insecurities.

At home I walk to the bathroom and wash my face, remove the makeup I am wearing, and reveal the tired looking face that makes me feel less confident about myself. I stare at my reflection for a while, wondering which situation is worse…. before I know it I feel a warm tear running down my cheek. I look away from myself as if I can’t see myself cry. I’ve always been one to hide my tears, only a very select few have ever seen them. I close my eyes, wipe away the further tears formed and take a deep breath. Clearly this is not the end of the world. It just feels a little like one step forward, two steps back. Every time I gain a little confidence I seem to lose it just as fast. I’m unable to continue the self growth. It’s my own issue and I know. I’m made up from things of my past, attempting to shape a stronger more resilient future. I just hope I can achieve it, one step at a time.

xx

A Little Aide

Every so often I meet up with a friend for a meal after work, most of the time it is the same friend, from my tiny group of friends that I have. Yesterday was one of those days.

We found each other in the usual hustle bustle, on a side street, near Oxford Circus and made our way to an eatery. We exchanged the usual pleasantries, as you would. We haven’t caught up for at least 6 weeks or more. She said ‘you look well.’ Immediately I responded with, ‘it’s the make up’.

I’ve never been one to cake it on as such, but I have gone through phases of my life where I have worn some, and I have worn none. My husband doesn’t like me wearing any either. But recently (literally 3 days), I have been stepping back into camp ‘some’. Why the change or heart? Because it make me feel a bit more like me.

After becoming a mumma, no matter how much sleep I get, or don’t. I hover between tired, very tired and exhausted. As most parents of young children can probably identify, you forget what ‘rested’ feels like.  My face also tells the world the same. I currently barely even have time to glance in the mirror to notice the greying hair, and the bags under my eyes. But last weekend I did…. and it felt like the 21/22 year old me had inhibited the body of the older version of myself, it felt so bizarre. I felt less confident, and unsure of how I was portraying myself to the outer world, and in turn, how I was actually being perceived.

So for the last few days I have left the house with a little bit of make up on, a very translucent social mask as such, which has actually helped. I may feel tired, but I most definitely don’t look as though I am.

We are all getting older, and if, as time goes on, a little bit of help with our appearances, whether it be make up, or outfit choice, makes us feel that little bit more confident in ourselves, then why not?

xx

Friend

So it’s been a while since I’ve written, feeling like I’ve been in solitary confinement, a little. I’ve had time away, time to reflect somewhat, time to re-engage myself with myself too.

There’s been lots of things big and small going on for quite a while now, sometimes you feel you’re getting swept along with the current. Whilst you have no complaints, sometimes it’s nice to just feel the ground under your feet and take a breather.

A while back I was given feedback of being judgemental, and that wasn’t a great personality trait to portray. To a certain extent, I guess as humans we all are. I hadn’t realised it was something others found frustrating about me. I suppose if that’s how they feel, then I can’t really question it. But to be completely stripped back and honest. It shook my confidence. A reason for the lack of blog posting too.

I tried to justify it to myself, but maybe they were right. Another truth, I like to see things how I like to see them, if that makes sense. So it seems I’ve been kidding myself all along.

How many times do we, as humans, do that? We make out we’re being wronged, or it’s happening / happened to us. It’s not. It’s happening around us, we just happen to get in the way. We create opinions about people, we take sides, we trust others more than our own. Why? Why give us emotion and feeling when our head and heart are not always on the same page?

I have a collection of a few close friends, it’s how I like it. I can truly be myself around them, the selfish, judgmental, over emotional mother that can’t really do anything, let alone, do it all. And they do the same… we leave judgements of each other at the door. The space we’re in becomes safe, and secure. There was something I noticed today, about how incredible nature is at supporting itself. It is so self-sufficient, it actually has no need for any human intervention, we actually make it worse. I guess the perfect friendship offers that support that it doesn’t need anything else. Whether it be in the form of a friend, partner, family member… it doesn’t matter. It takes a while to find a genuine friend… whatever form they come in…make sure you keep hold of them.

xx

Excite and stabilise

To what extent do we all really agree that variety is the spice of life? For the ones among us that do agree with this, but still live the same life day in day out… what are we actually doing to make things a little more spicy?

There are a lot of us that are very happy doing what we are doing, and living our lives in a similar way throughout. There are others that seek out excitement every day.

I have to say that I, myself belong to the first group. I would say I’m happy with what I have, I appreciate that our family has the same roof over their head, and that allows things to feel stable. However I’m not saying that I don’t want the anxiousness of the unknown, the excited scared feeling of doing something different.

Those very few that know me well, know that I like to challenge and mix things up a little. Those that know me from afar, let’s say, see the stability I described earlier. Neither is bad, but you need one to appreciate the other.

Right now, at this moment (22:15 on a Wednesday night), challenge myself to do something I usually wouldn’t or haven’t, once a week. We’ll still keep the stability, but let’s do something spontaneous, just because!

So I challenge you also, no matter how varied or not your lives are at the moment, change it up again, get that excited nervous feeling back, and sense that achievement whenever you’ve done what you want to do.

xx