I forgot

For a while, I forgot that I even had this space, this corner that was mine, and mine alone. This page that I could be me in front of people without them seeing me for real. 

I was reminded of this when, by fluke,someone ask about this blog, and flippantly said that’s not longer in use.

I made it sound like the application / page itself had the control of whether or not I wrote. I forgot.. I had the control. It seems strange to say it out loud, but I was, to be honest I think we all are, so caught up in everything, we’ve all forgotten about the little things that are in our own control. Our little bits of sanity, or insanity for that matter. 🙂

Sometimes we need the helpful nudge of others and other times we just need to help ourselves, love ourselves that little bit extra, because within ourselves is where it all begins and ends.

xx

This time a year ago

The night before

This time a year ago I was lying on the coach at my parents home, feeling sleepy, but making the best effort to stay awake.

This time a year ago I was listening out for the breaths in and out

This time a year ago I had fallen asleep, but woke up in a panic, not knowing how many hours I had missed. After a second or two feeling relieved everything was as I had left it.

The next morning

This time a year ago I was calmer as I left my parents home to quickly see my husband and kids, shower and return.

This time a year ago I had called the doctor to update them on the situation, and how it had bettered.

This time a year ago I got a smile from him, it all felt calm, I walked away to grab some breakfast, leaving my mum by his side

This time a year ago my mum gently called me back into the room, without wanting to raise panic. She asked me to check his breath, I did, but there wasn’t

This time a year ago I lost the lost the most incredible man, the man I had been fortunate enough to call my dad.

The final goodbye

My daddy’s girl, I’ll always be,

I’ll carry you with me so you can see,

Your values and teachings will live on,

And still will be there long after I’m gone.

The way you have been there for family and friends,

Will never be forgotten, nor will our gratitude end.

Give what you can and help others, he would say,

I hope I can make you proud every day.

My daddy’s girl I’ll always be,

In my heart, I’ll carry you with me.

Love me…love me not

what do we do to show love to the ones we love. We try to make them happy, we do whatever we can in our power to see them smile, we give them what they want (within reason). But is that true love?

Whether it be your partner, your children, your family or your friends we want to see people happy. What we actually want is those to be happy with us. By us agreeing with them, buying them what they like, doing what they want, is actually a reflection on us as individuals, and our need to be liked and they feeling we get of knowing that people are happy with us. Let’s be honest, it’s a great feeling! So I completely get why we do it, i’m Just as guilty of the same, although I am much more aware of when I am doing. So is this genuine love? Not always, mostly this is just affection.

Love is doing the right thing for the person, regardless of how much they make not like you in that moment. Whether it be disciplining a child, or arguing your differing opinion with your partner.

When you love someone, you want the best for them. When show affection, you do what makes you feel good, making the other happy.

xx

How dare you?!

I tend to think about writing, or actually write more when i’m feeling more negative emotions than positive. For my writing had always taken the form of therapy, without the awkwardness of someone waiting for you to actually speak.

So today’s emotion is anger, frustaration, detachment. Here’s some context, my family and I went out for a quick bite to each on Sunday night, less than 90 minutes later, and we are parked back up in the drive. Rushing to get into the house as child one, has decided they didn’t need the bathroom 20 seconds ago, but now, is struggling to hold it in. Anyways, I close a couple doors of the under stair storage area to get past them, and see the larder open, unassumingly I tendto my child. On double take I realise all the cupboard doors and a window was slightly open, someone had been in our home.

So first the fear sets in, were they still here? What had been taken? Thenslight relief of us all being safe, as we went upstairs to check, and rooms were ransacked, but apart from that no sight of anyone else around.

As my husband phone the police and we sorted the kids out, luckily my mother lives very close. I came back home and the only emotion I felt was anger. I was not upset, although this was the first time here, we had been burgled previously. My logical hat went on, everything is insured, and we are safe, but how dare they?

How can any human being young or old, good or bad even contemplate violating people like that? I believe even people who do this, do have a conscience…. they just choose to ignore it. I mean let’s be honest in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing, and people go through far worse things than this on a day basis.

The question is why does this violation keep happening?

How can anyone justify any and all violations? There is simply no excuse. Why do some people feel the need to do this and act like it’s nothing?

Due to a small minority of this world thinking like this, we are all slowly but surely loosing faith in humanity. There is no trust, no curtesy, just nothing.

And I have only one thing to say to all you violators, which is, what goes around, comes around. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day.

xx

Actions of ease

What would happen if everything we did, every decision we made, was done thinking of others. Actions to make someone else’s life easier. Even if you didn’t know that someone else.

There are so many examples where we do this well and then in the same day or week, fall short of this. We might tidy up after ourselves when we are out, but at home we leave it for someone else on occasions to sort out. We might say “excuse me” to a stranger, and “move, get out of the way” to someone we know. We may respect our elders, but forget that we all should respect each other regardless of age.

How many times have we done something so that life would be easier for someone else? How many times, in retrospect, have we gotten a little annoyed when something could have been done to make our lives a bit easier too?

Japan is one country when actions for the ease of others, is literally a way of life. Signs don’t need to be put up, crime rates are low, and trust sky high. Why? Because everyone thinks of each other, whether they know them or not.

Less aggravation and kindness to others is what this world needs. How much more could we achieve showing move kindness and appreciation to people around us, in turn this would come back to us.

Show constant care to those around you, and eventually it will makes its way back round to you, maybe in an unconventional form, but care, kindness and awareness all the same.

xx

Seep away

She took a breath, an deep intake,
She could feel her memories, and the mark they make.

Her memories of a place she thought she knew,
A place that was known only by a few.

Some may say, ‘A foreign land she saw’,
But in her eyes, not foreign, but everything she had hoped for.

She ran down the hill, and smelt the flowers,
A smile crept to her face, Who know her mind had such power.

When slowly she open her eyes, and realised was dreaming,
The sheets below her crisp, the floors were gleaming.

How long had she been there? she couldn’t recall,
Then from out of nowhere, she remembered her fall.

The memory of months, weeks and days,
The life before this on her mind plays.

So again, she takes a breath, an intake deep,
Away from her pain and memories allowed to seep.

xxr

Was it her?

He thought he saw her from afar,

then he lost her shadow, hidden by a car.

Was it her? Where did she go?

by the time he cross that distance, he really didn’t know.

All he knew was he missed her so,

his darling baby girl, all grown up, but he refused to let go.

It’s been days, months, years since they had spoken a word,

but it felt like yesterday her laughter in his head was heard.

Someone ran up to hug him, in a blur and in a rush,

a woman, he saw, wore a scarf that was the colour of blush.

The scarf was his daughter, and the face was hers too

‘i’m sorry Papa,’ she said, ‘I really have missed you.’

xx

 

Why?

Because I like things done how I like them. Because the unknown, if not instigated by me, scares me. Because it comforts me having that kind of control, because I’m selfish.

I like to give advice, but not take it.
I like to buy things for others, but want to choose my own things.
I like to dream big, but will somehow find an excuse not to do something, and then complain about it.
I want to be positively recognised with the minimal amount of effort.
I want to be a better daughter and daughter in law, but sometimes I just want solitude
I want to be a better wife, but not change what I currently do.
I want to be the kind of mum that makes memories, but can never get round to doing anything.
I want a bigger home, but I don’t earn enough.
I want to appear more beautiful, but not change the way I look.

I want change without changing myself.

Ok so here goes…
I like to give advice, and appreciate people taking their time to share their knowledge

I like to buy things for others, and feel happy because they thought of me

I like to dream big, and will apply to at least 5 jobs over the weekend

I want to be positively recognised, and will leave a legacy

I want to be a better daughter and daughter in law, and will appreciate time with them

I want to be a better wife, and will try not to complain for 1 month

I want to be the kind of mum that makes memories, and will book something once a month for time with the kids

I want a bigger home, and will be earning more by the end of the year

I want to appear more beautiful, and I will buy makeup to make myself feel more confident

I want change, and will at least try to make it happen.

xx