It’s just shy of a whole year being back in the world of work, since having my children. I started the year with conviction and the desire to succeed. Everyday I would go in, feeling a little less guilt and a little more deserving. I now find myself in a place looking for something that could suit me better… unable to manage my workload, making me doubt everything I know. I’m getting through the days… just about keeping my head above water.
I know I’m not stupid, but I definitely feel I’m not as efficient as I was before maternity leave. I’m currently a lot more disciplined with my time, I have to be, otherwise I don’t see my kids. Previously I could pull a few late nights, rest up over the weekend, and then be rearing to goagain come Monday. Unfortunately now, I find myself dancing between ‘tired’, ‘very tired’ and ‘exhausted’, pretty much every single day. I don’t bring home the big bucks, so why am I killing myself trying. Today I randomly found myself job hunting on the work laptop. By character, I’m pretty loyal, so one part of my brain keeps saying loyalty will be rewarded… keep going, you’ll get the recognition and reward soon. On the other hand, the opposite side of my brain is telling me to depend on myself only for my reward… my currently role are not very likely to increase my salary to the levels getting a new role could offer me… so what am I doing? My work is suffering, my health isn’t in the best place, and I’m unable to my personal relationships the focus that they deserve… so who’s actually winning here?