Because I like things done how I like them. Because the unknown, if not instigated by me, scares me. Because it comforts me having that kind of control, because I’m selfish.

I like to give advice, but not take it.
I like to buy things for others, but want to choose my own things.
I like to dream big, but will somehow find an excuse not to do something, and then complain about it.
I want to be positively recognised with the minimal amount of effort.
I want to be a better daughter and daughter in law, but sometimes I just want solitude
I want to be a better wife, but not change what I currently do.
I want to be the kind of mum that makes memories, but can never get round to doing anything.
I want a bigger home, but I don’t earn enough.
I want to appear more beautiful, but not change the way I look.

I want change without changing myself.

Ok so here goes…
I like to give advice, and appreciate people taking their time to share their knowledge

I like to buy things for others, and feel happy because they thought of me

I like to dream big, and will apply to at least 5 jobs over the weekend

I want to be positively recognised, and will leave a legacy

I want to be a better daughter and daughter in law, and will appreciate time with them

I want to be a better wife, and will try not to complain for 1 month

I want to be the kind of mum that makes memories, and will book something once a month for time with the kids

I want a bigger home, and will be earning more by the end of the year

I want to appear more beautiful, and I will buy makeup to make myself feel more confident

I want change, and will at least try to make it happen.




Late last night looking out at the black of the night sky, I thought, ‘what goes around, comes around’. How true is that?

I’m not someone who goes out of my way to hurt someone’s feeling, perhaps I may react and say something in retaliation, with an instant regret, but even that is probably focussing on my relationships with my parents and husband. They are the two lots of people who know me well enough to allow me to vent when I need to, even if it’s directed at them. In turn I have been that soundboard for them… forgiveness is there before I even begin. I know no judgements will be passed, and no resentment formed. It’s my safe space. They are my safe space.

So if out of misunderstanding if I have hurt someone, or the something I have done has translated incorrectly, it makes me sad, and unreservedly nervous that I can feel the anxiousness rising from the pit of my stomach. I can sense a tremor, and my hands start shaking, my body temperature rises dramatically that I need to go for a walk, to calm myself down. It’s a feeling I truly hate, and would do anything to avoid.

I know in recent times, especially the last 2 years, I have been even harder on my soundboards, and potentially even hurt other people through my lack of patience. Probably due to the fact it is wearing pretty thin in some aspects of my life, however that if no excuse. I walk away from situations, and feel so angry at myself that I’m not able to control how I’ve reacted, it drives me mad.

All I wanted this post to say was sorry, to those I have hurt, through my words or my actions. This hurt has been caused through misunderstanding, with no intent or malice behind it. Nothing but love.


Rewarding Loyalty

It’s just shy of a whole year being back in the world of work, since having my children. I started the year with conviction and the desire to succeed. Everyday I would go in, feeling a little less guilt and a little more deserving. I now find myself in a place looking for something that could suit me better… unable to manage my workload, making me doubt everything I know. I’m getting through the days… just about keeping my head above water.

I know I’m not stupid, but I definitely feel I’m not as efficient as I was before maternity leave. I’m currently a lot more disciplined with my time, I have to be, otherwise I don’t see my kids. Previously I could pull a few late nights, rest up over the weekend, and then be rearing to goagain come Monday. Unfortunately now, I find myself dancing between ‘tired’, ‘very tired’ and ‘exhausted’, pretty much every single day. I don’t bring home the big bucks, so why am I killing myself trying. Today I randomly found myself job hunting on the work laptop. By character, I’m pretty loyal, so one part of my brain keeps saying loyalty will be rewarded… keep going, you’ll get the recognition and reward soon. On the other hand, the opposite side of my brain is telling me to depend on myself only for my reward… my currently role are not very likely to increase my salary to the levels getting a new role could offer me… so what am I doing? My work is suffering, my health isn’t in the best place, and I’m unable to my personal relationships the focus that they deserve… so who’s actually winning here?


To fake it or not?

Why do people talk a good game, but sit on the sidelines? Why do people say things they don’t mean and forget to say what they do? What’s the point when their bull***t makes it way round eventually anyways?

Just be upfront, be human, be real. So what if people don’t like you… they don’t have to live with you. Some may choose to, but they don’t have to. You have to live with you. With they things you say, the type of person you are.

How some people get through their lives riding high on crap, still baffles me til this day. If I can see they don’t have a clue, and others can too, why can’t the superiors? Soon that crap riding person will be very high up in the ranks. It makes me really uncomfortable to think what they could be earning, for knowing nothing. Ok slight exaggeration, but you know what I mean.

I admit that we are all responsible for our success to some extent. And we should develop our knowledge and expertise where possible. But when you sit at your desk working your butt off and then the crap riders swan in, it just makes my blood boil. A great networker, clearly! I’ll give them that. But that’s it.
I’ll respect you more if you’re honest, than blagging it.

We’re all obsessed with making and maintaining the right impression, keeping the interest, that we become fake versions of ourselves, in the hope to get noticed. This is in the office, as well as out and about in social settings. Some of us hate the idea of fake-ness, but can we honestly say we haven’t said or done something we don’t entirely agree with, in the hope to be liked more?



Wow, it has been a while… I hadn’t even realised how long, until I actually stopped to think about it. The days are just flying.

Soon it will be one year since we moved into our new home, as well as me being back at work from maternity leave. A couple of months after that, my little monsters will be celebrating their 2nd birthday, and I just wonder how do things pass us by so quickly, that you bearly get the time fully savour and enjoy them.

We all know that life is short when you are enjoying it, and long when you are waiting for it… so don’t wait for it, make it happen. Launch into something new, something different… to broaden your mind and self. Break the cycle and go and visit someone you’ve been putting off seeing, or go and eat st that restaurant you can’t seem to make time for, or go read that paperback and feel the pages turn, rather than flick a screen. Talk to people face to face, than via phone… you’ll  feel great, you’ll want to do it more.

Otherwise we’ll eventually become the antisocial socialists… neither here nor there.


Looking back at me

Time has gone by, achievements made, experiences had, some good, some not so. I have grown up, I have aged, I have matured. So then why do childlike insecurities haunt me till this day. Why does someone’s passing comment feel harsh and critical. It’s not, they don’t even remember saying it, yet it stings. Maybe because it’s true?

So in a recent post I mentioned about starting to want to feel more like me, I starting wearing a little make again. But I have been told I look like a ghost, that it is unappealing. I’m wearing for myself, so why should it even bother me what others think? But it does. It pisses me off that at 34 I can’t even feel secure enough in myself over something fairly insignificant. How am I meant yoinstill anything more in my kids if I can’t even control my own insecurities.

At home I walk to the bathroom and wash my face, remove the makeup I am wearing, and reveal the tired looking face that makes me feel less confident about myself. I stare at my reflection for a while, wondering which situation is worse…. before I know it I feel a warm tear running down my cheek. I look away from myself as if I can’t see myself cry. I’ve always been one to hide my tears, only a very select few have ever seen them. I close my eyes, wipe away the further tears formed and take a deep breath. Clearly this is not the end of the world. It just feels a little like one step forward, two steps back. Every time I gain a little confidence I seem to lose it just as fast. I’m unable to continue the self growth. It’s my own issue and I know. I’m made up from things of my past, attempting to shape a stronger more resilient future. I just hope I can achieve it, one step at a time.


A Little Aide

Every so often I meet up with a friend for a meal after work, most of the time it is the same friend, from my tiny group of friends that I have. Yesterday was one of those days.

We found each other in the usual hustle bustle, on a side street, near Oxford Circus and made our way to an eatery. We exchanged the usual pleasantries, as you would. We haven’t caught up for at least 6 weeks or more. She said ‘you look well.’ Immediately I responded with, ‘it’s the make up’.

I’ve never been one to cake it on as such, but I have gone through phases of my life where I have worn some, and I have worn none. My husband doesn’t like me wearing any either. But recently (literally 3 days), I have been stepping back into camp ‘some’. Why the change or heart? Because it make me feel a bit more like me.

After becoming a mumma, no matter how much sleep I get, or don’t. I hover between tired, very tired and exhausted. As most parents of young children can probably identify, you forget what ‘rested’ feels like.  My face also tells the world the same. I currently barely even have time to glance in the mirror to notice the greying hair, and the bags under my eyes. But last weekend I did…. and it felt like the 21/22 year old me had inhibited the body of the older version of myself, it felt so bizarre. I felt less confident, and unsure of how I was portraying myself to the outer world, and in turn, how I was actually being perceived.

So for the last few days I have left the house with a little bit of make up on, a very translucent social mask as such, which has actually helped. I may feel tired, but I most definitely don’t look as though I am.

We are all getting older, and if, as time goes on, a little bit of help with our appearances, whether it be make up, or outfit choice, makes us feel that little bit more confident in ourselves, then why not?