How dare you?!

I tend to think about writing, or actually write more when i’m feeling more negative emotions than positive. For my writing had always taken the form of therapy, without the awkwardness of someone waiting for you to actually speak.

So today’s emotion is anger, frustaration, detachment. Here’s some context, my family and I went out for a quick bite to each on Sunday night, less than 90 minutes later, and we are parked back up in the drive. Rushing to get into the house as child one, has decided they didn’t need the bathroom 20 seconds ago, but now, is struggling to hold it in. Anyways, I close a couple doors of the under stair storage area to get past them, and see the larder open, unassumingly I tendto my child. On double take I realise all the cupboard doors and a window was slightly open, someone had been in our home.

So first the fear sets in, were they still here? What had been taken? Thenslight relief of us all being safe, as we went upstairs to check, and rooms were ransacked, but apart from that no sight of anyone else around.

As my husband phone the police and we sorted the kids out, luckily my mother lives very close. I came back home and the only emotion I felt was anger. I was not upset, although this was the first time here, we had been burgled previously. My logical hat went on, everything is insured, and we are safe, but how dare they?

How can any human being young or old, good or bad even contemplate violating people like that? I believe even people who do this, do have a conscience…. they just choose to ignore it. I mean let’s be honest in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing, and people go through far worse things than this on a day basis.

The question is why does this violation keep happening?

How can anyone justify any and all violations? There is simply no excuse. Why do some people feel the need to do this and act like it’s nothing?

Due to a small minority of this world thinking like this, we are all slowly but surely loosing faith in humanity. There is no trust, no curtesy, just nothing.

And I have only one thing to say to all you violators, which is, what goes around, comes around. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day.

xx

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Actions of ease

What would happen if everything we did, every decision we made, was done thinking of others. Actions to make someone else’s life easier. Even if you didn’t know that someone else.

There are so many examples where we do this well and then in the same day or week, fall short of this. We might tidy up after ourselves when we are out, but at home we leave it for someone else on occasions to sort out. We might say “excuse me” to a stranger, and “move, get out of the way” to someone we know. We may respect our elders, but forget that we all should respect each other regardless of age.

How many times have we done something so that life would be easier for someone else? How many times, in retrospect, have we gotten a little annoyed when something could have been done to make our lives a bit easier too?

Japan is one country when actions for the ease of others, is literally a way of life. Signs don’t need to be put up, crime rates are low, and trust sky high. Why? Because everyone thinks of each other, whether they know them or not.

Less aggravation and kindness to others is what this world needs. How much more could we achieve showing move kindness and appreciation to people around us, in turn this would come back to us.

Show constant care to those around you, and eventually it will makes its way back round to you, maybe in an unconventional form, but care, kindness and awareness all the same.

xx

Seep away

She took a breath, an deep intake,
She could feel her memories, and the mark they make.

Her memories of a place she thought she knew,
A place that was known only by a few.

Some may say, ‘A foreign land she saw’,
But in her eyes, not foreign, but everything she had hoped for.

She ran down the hill, and smelt the flowers,
A smile crept to her face, Who know her mind had such power.

When slowly she open her eyes, and realised was dreaming,
The sheets below her crisp, the floors were gleaming.

How long had she been there? she couldn’t recall,
Then from out of nowhere, she remembered her fall.

The memory of months, weeks and days,
The life before this on her mind plays.

So again, she takes a breath, an intake deep,
Away from her pain and memories allowed to seep.

xxr

Was it her?

He thought he saw her from afar,

then he lost her shadow, hidden by a car.

Was it her? Where did she go?

by the time he cross that distance, he really didn’t know.

All he knew was he missed her so,

his darling baby girl, all grown up, but he refused to let go.

It’s been days, months, years since they had spoken a word,

but it felt like yesterday her laughter in his head was heard.

Someone ran up to hug him, in a blur and in a rush,

a woman, he saw, wore a scarf that was the colour of blush.

The scarf was his daughter, and the face was hers too

‘i’m sorry Papa,’ she said, ‘I really have missed you.’

xx

 

Why?

Because I like things done how I like them. Because the unknown, if not instigated by me, scares me. Because it comforts me having that kind of control, because I’m selfish.

I like to give advice, but not take it.
I like to buy things for others, but want to choose my own things.
I like to dream big, but will somehow find an excuse not to do something, and then complain about it.
I want to be positively recognised with the minimal amount of effort.
I want to be a better daughter and daughter in law, but sometimes I just want solitude
I want to be a better wife, but not change what I currently do.
I want to be the kind of mum that makes memories, but can never get round to doing anything.
I want a bigger home, but I don’t earn enough.
I want to appear more beautiful, but not change the way I look.

I want change without changing myself.

Ok so here goes…
I like to give advice, and appreciate people taking their time to share their knowledge

I like to buy things for others, and feel happy because they thought of me

I like to dream big, and will apply to at least 5 jobs over the weekend

I want to be positively recognised, and will leave a legacy

I want to be a better daughter and daughter in law, and will appreciate time with them

I want to be a better wife, and will try not to complain for 1 month

I want to be the kind of mum that makes memories, and will book something once a month for time with the kids

I want a bigger home, and will be earning more by the end of the year

I want to appear more beautiful, and I will buy makeup to make myself feel more confident

I want change, and will at least try to make it happen.

xx

Sorry

Late last night looking out at the black of the night sky, I thought, ‘what goes around, comes around’. How true is that?

I’m not someone who goes out of my way to hurt someone’s feeling, perhaps I may react and say something in retaliation, with an instant regret, but even that is probably focussing on my relationships with my parents and husband. They are the two lots of people who know me well enough to allow me to vent when I need to, even if it’s directed at them. In turn I have been that soundboard for them… forgiveness is there before I even begin. I know no judgements will be passed, and no resentment formed. It’s my safe space. They are my safe space.

So if out of misunderstanding if I have hurt someone, or the something I have done has translated incorrectly, it makes me sad, and unreservedly nervous that I can feel the anxiousness rising from the pit of my stomach. I can sense a tremor, and my hands start shaking, my body temperature rises dramatically that I need to go for a walk, to calm myself down. It’s a feeling I truly hate, and would do anything to avoid.

I know in recent times, especially the last 2 years, I have been even harder on my soundboards, and potentially even hurt other people through my lack of patience. Probably due to the fact it is wearing pretty thin in some aspects of my life, however that if no excuse. I walk away from situations, and feel so angry at myself that I’m not able to control how I’ve reacted, it drives me mad.

All I wanted this post to say was sorry, to those I have hurt, through my words or my actions. This hurt has been caused through misunderstanding, with no intent or malice behind it. Nothing but love.

xx

Rewarding Loyalty

It’s just shy of a whole year being back in the world of work, since having my children. I started the year with conviction and the desire to succeed. Everyday I would go in, feeling a little less guilt and a little more deserving. I now find myself in a place looking for something that could suit me better… unable to manage my workload, making me doubt everything I know. I’m getting through the days… just about keeping my head above water.

I know I’m not stupid, but I definitely feel I’m not as efficient as I was before maternity leave. I’m currently a lot more disciplined with my time, I have to be, otherwise I don’t see my kids. Previously I could pull a few late nights, rest up over the weekend, and then be rearing to goagain come Monday. Unfortunately now, I find myself dancing between ‘tired’, ‘very tired’ and ‘exhausted’, pretty much every single day. I don’t bring home the big bucks, so why am I killing myself trying. Today I randomly found myself job hunting on the work laptop. By character, I’m pretty loyal, so one part of my brain keeps saying loyalty will be rewarded… keep going, you’ll get the recognition and reward soon. On the other hand, the opposite side of my brain is telling me to depend on myself only for my reward… my currently role are not very likely to increase my salary to the levels getting a new role could offer me… so what am I doing? My work is suffering, my health isn’t in the best place, and I’m unable to my personal relationships the focus that they deserve… so who’s actually winning here?

xx