JDI

Wow, it has been a while… I hadn’t even realised how long, until I actually stopped to think about it. The days are just flying.

Soon it will be one year since we moved into our new home, as well as me being back at work from maternity leave. A couple of months after that, my little monsters will be celebrating their 2nd birthday, and I just wonder how do things pass us by so quickly, that you bearly get the time fully savour and enjoy them.

We all know that life is short when you are enjoying it, and long when you are waiting for it… so don’t wait for it, make it happen. Launch into something new, something different… to broaden your mind and self. Break the cycle and go and visit someone you’ve been putting off seeing, or go and eat st that restaurant you can’t seem to make time for, or go read that paperback and feel the pages turn, rather than flick a screen. Talk to people face to face, than via phone… you’ll  feel great, you’ll want to do it more.

Otherwise we’ll eventually become the antisocial socialists… neither here nor there.

xx

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Looking back at me

Time has gone by, achievements made, experiences had, some good, some not so. I have grown up, I have aged, I have matured. So then why do childlike insecurities haunt me till this day. Why does someone’s passing comment feel harsh and critical. It’s not, they don’t even remember saying it, yet it stings. Maybe because it’s true?

So in a recent post I mentioned about starting to want to feel more like me, I starting wearing a little make again. But I have been told I look like a ghost, that it is unappealing. I’m wearing for myself, so why should it even bother me what others think? But it does. It pisses me off that at 34 I can’t even feel secure enough in myself over something fairly insignificant. How am I meant yoinstill anything more in my kids if I can’t even control my own insecurities.

At home I walk to the bathroom and wash my face, remove the makeup I am wearing, and reveal the tired looking face that makes me feel less confident about myself. I stare at my reflection for a while, wondering which situation is worse…. before I know it I feel a warm tear running down my cheek. I look away from myself as if I can’t see myself cry. I’ve always been one to hide my tears, only a very select few have ever seen them. I close my eyes, wipe away the further tears formed and take a deep breath. Clearly this is not the end of the world. It just feels a little like one step forward, two steps back. Every time I gain a little confidence I seem to lose it just as fast. I’m unable to continue the self growth. It’s my own issue and I know. I’m made up from things of my past, attempting to shape a stronger more resilient future. I just hope I can achieve it, one step at a time.

xx

A Little Aide

Every so often I meet up with a friend for a meal after work, most of the time it is the same friend, from my tiny group of friends that I have. Yesterday was one of those days.

We found each other in the usual hustle bustle, on a side street, near Oxford Circus and made our way to an eatery. We exchanged the usual pleasantries, as you would. We haven’t caught up for at least 6 weeks or more. She said ‘you look well.’ Immediately I responded with, ‘it’s the make up’.

I’ve never been one to cake it on as such, but I have gone through phases of my life where I have worn some, and I have worn none. My husband doesn’t like me wearing any either. But recently (literally 3 days), I have been stepping back into camp ‘some’. Why the change or heart? Because it make me feel a bit more like me.

After becoming a mumma, no matter how much sleep I get, or don’t. I hover between tired, very tired and exhausted. As most parents of young children can probably identify, you forget what ‘rested’ feels like.  My face also tells the world the same. I currently barely even have time to glance in the mirror to notice the greying hair, and the bags under my eyes. But last weekend I did…. and it felt like the 21/22 year old me had inhibited the body of the older version of myself, it felt so bizarre. I felt less confident, and unsure of how I was portraying myself to the outer world, and in turn, how I was actually being perceived.

So for the last few days I have left the house with a little bit of make up on, a very translucent social mask as such, which has actually helped. I may feel tired, but I most definitely don’t look as though I am.

We are all getting older, and if, as time goes on, a little bit of help with our appearances, whether it be make up, or outfit choice, makes us feel that little bit more confident in ourselves, then why not?

xx

Friend

So it’s been a while since I’ve written, feeling like I’ve been in solitary confinement, a little. I’ve had time away, time to reflect somewhat, time to re-engage myself with myself too.

There’s been lots of things big and small going on for quite a while now, sometimes you feel you’re getting swept along with the current. Whilst you have no complaints, sometimes it’s nice to just feel the ground under your feet and take a breather.

A while back I was given feedback of being judgemental, and that wasn’t a great personality trait to portray. To a certain extent, I guess as humans we all are. I hadn’t realised it was something others found frustrating about me. I suppose if that’s how they feel, then I can’t really question it. But to be completely stripped back and honest. It shook my confidence. A reason for the lack of blog posting too.

I tried to justify it to myself, but maybe they were right. Another truth, I like to see things how I like to see them, if that makes sense. So it seems I’ve been kidding myself all along.

How many times do we, as humans, do that? We make out we’re being wronged, or it’s happening / happened to us. It’s not. It’s happening around us, we just happen to get in the way. We create opinions about people, we take sides, we trust others more than our own. Why? Why give us emotion and feeling when our head and heart are not always on the same page?

I have a collection of a few close friends, it’s how I like it. I can truly be myself around them, the selfish, judgmental, over emotional mother that can’t really do anything, let alone, do it all. And they do the same… we leave judgements of each other at the door. The space we’re in becomes safe, and secure. There was something I noticed today, about how incredible nature is at supporting itself. It is so self-sufficient, it actually has no need for any human intervention, we actually make it worse. I guess the perfect friendship offers that support that it doesn’t need anything else. Whether it be in the form of a friend, partner, family member… it doesn’t matter. It takes a while to find a genuine friend… whatever form they come in…make sure you keep hold of them.

xx

Excite and stabilise

To what extent do we all really agree that variety is the spice of life? For the ones among us that do agree with this, but still live the same life day in day out… what are we actually doing to make things a little more spicy?

There are a lot of us that are very happy doing what we are doing, and living our lives in a similar way throughout. There are others that seek out excitement every day.

I have to say that I, myself belong to the first group. I would say I’m happy with what I have, I appreciate that our family has the same roof over their head, and that allows things to feel stable. However I’m not saying that I don’t want the anxiousness of the unknown, the excited scared feeling of doing something different.

Those very few that know me well, know that I like to challenge and mix things up a little. Those that know me from afar, let’s say, see the stability I described earlier. Neither is bad, but you need one to appreciate the other.

Right now, at this moment (22:15 on a Wednesday night), challenge myself to do something I usually wouldn’t or haven’t, once a week. We’ll still keep the stability, but let’s do something spontaneous, just because!

So I challenge you also, no matter how varied or not your lives are at the moment, change it up again, get that excited nervous feeling back, and sense that achievement whenever you’ve done what you want to do.

xx

 

Who do you think you are?

Here’s something that bothers me… a group of people who sit behind me at work, seem to constantly have a problem with the member of the team who happens to not be in the office at that time. Now, I understand we won’t always get on with everyone in the world. But I am intrigued to hear someone talking badly about person A, only for that same person to talk badly about person B with the person A, for the world to hear.

Its understandable that sometimes we need to have a rant and get things off our chests, but by complaining about someone and their constant complaining, doesn’t that make one just as bad as the other? Also why try and make out that you’re better than everyone? We’re all the same, fighting our own battles, some are weak where others are strong, and vice versa, but that doesn’t make anyone better than the next. I hear some people talking about things happening in the office and their workload as if it’s the most disastrous thing to ever happen… it’s not. A child dying of malnourishment is a disaster, a flood wiping out people’s homes and lives us a disaster, an earthquake is a disaster. Being encouraged to work from a hot desk isn’t. Listening to a CD on loop isn’t.

I’ve been guilty of not taking a rant or two away from people to hear… so I’m most definitely not preaching here. I’m hoping some of what I’m saying can embed in my head too. It bothers me that I’m not discreet enough.

If you need to vent, take it somewhere private. As you make judgments about others, think about the fact that this gives people the opportunity to make judgements about your character too.

xx

Wants

So it’s just gone 11:30pm, and judging by my usual rock star (sarcastic) lifestyle, and my overly draining work week, one would assume I’d fall asleep, with the promise of a weekend tomorrow, as soon as my head hit the pillow. I’m usually asleep just after 10… told you, rock star!

A self made error on my part, I ate some sweets before bed. Not the ‘dessert’ kind, but the ‘sweet shop’ kind. The ‘E numbers overload’ kind, and now I can’t sleep!

When I can’t sleep, I think. And when I’ve had a few too many sweets, my mind goes into overdrive. Now as you’re probably aware from my previous posts, I’m a bit of an over thinker at the best of times. So more of it following on from a pretty long week, is not welcomed.

Anyways in my thinking, and the childishness of sweets, or more my lack of any kind of control towards them, reminded me of how there’s a suppressed child hidden in us all. Ourselves, our parents, our friends, colleagues, peers etc. Despite my age and family, I still feel like I’m not grown up, and clearly have childish tendencies. Sometimes, in my mind, I want what I want. Selfish as that may seem. It’s so simple. Like a child would want want something.

I see, I like, I want, I get.

As we grow, we care about how we are perceived, what impression we are leaving, we go around the houses, and during all this mayhem sometims we either lose focus, or we convince ourselves we don’t want it anymore. Of course there are many times we do get, and I hope this is the case for most people. My question is what do we lose out of those other occassions. Looking at it simplistically, the heart wants what the heart wants. However strong or not those feelings are, can you just switch them off?

An example today. My son loves his milk. But he worked himself up so much about going into the guest bedroom where we had shut the door, that he completely lost his love for milk for his new desire to get into that room. The strange thing I found was that after giving in (the weak, tired parent I am) he was still pushing away the milk as if he was blaming it for not getting into the room in the first place. Who lost out in the end? He did… he convinced himself he didn’t want milk, and went to bed with a quarter of what he’d normally have.

My point being, although things may distract you… and yes the heart wants what it wants, don’t sacrifice it due to other distractions! I’m not saying become really stubborn and lose any sense of reason, all I mean is never lose focus. We want what we want for a reason… we all have tailor made thoughts, wants and desires. Why shouldn’t we get what we want?

Apologies for the babbling…. it’s the sweets!

xx