I am living multiple lives, as I think most of us are, based on the number of relationships we have. We play different roles for different people. I love the fact, as humans, we are complex enough to adjust and adapt to other people’s needs of us.
What if, after some time, you don’t want to? Or are just too tired and need a break and don’t want to be part of the uniform? What if you’ve smiled all you can for a while and you can’t hold back your expressionless face, selfishly just wanting a few days alone? What if you just need people to pull their finger out, rather than being spoon fed?
At the moment I am a rubbish excuse for a mother, not saying this at all for any sympathy. But clearly I could be doing better and a lot more. I am however putting in the hard graft at work, trying to fill incredible large shoes, with my inexperienced, unconfident feet. Taking over from this person is not an easy task, but I’m giving it my best shot. That is my focus at the moment, I’m getting in early staying late, just to make sure I don’t drop the countless balls flying in the air. Despite this, I’m enjoying the time to just be me.
I would appreciate more help at home, but let’s be honest. I have it very easy compared to some people. We have a nanny, and house help. However I still find myself struggling… I’m still the one doing the laundry, putting clothes away, doing most of the tidying up, making the dinner..as I really don’t want take out every night. The kids are currently teething terrible, so we have a lot of whinging and irritable moods, with lots of crying over tiny things, which just cause me to be even more exhausted. I’m clearly not born to be a paper cut out, a stepford wife type. I do want to be able to provide for my family, but I find myself feeling so tired, I literally switch onto autopilot. I smile, I stay clam and carry on. I adjust from being the career focussed individual to being the homemaker, and I take my hat off to all working mums and dads out there who do the same.