A paper cut out

I am living multiple lives, as I think most of us are, based on the number of relationships we have. We play different roles for different people. I love the fact, as humans, we are complex enough to adjust and adapt to other people’s needs of us.

What if, after some time, you don’t want to? Or are just too tired and need a break and don’t want to be part of the uniform? What if you’ve smiled all you can for a while and you can’t hold back your expressionless face, selfishly just wanting a few days alone? What if you just need people to pull their finger out, rather than being spoon fed?

At the moment I am a rubbish excuse for a mother, not saying this at all for any sympathy. But clearly I could be doing better and a lot more. I am however putting in the hard graft at work, trying to fill incredible large shoes, with my inexperienced, unconfident feet. Taking over from this person is not an easy task, but I’m giving it my best shot. That is my focus at the moment, I’m getting in early staying late, just to make sure I don’t drop the countless balls flying in the air. Despite this, I’m enjoying the time to just be me.

I would appreciate more help at home, but let’s be honest. I have it very easy compared to some people. We have a nanny, and house help. However I still find myself struggling… I’m still the one doing the laundry, putting clothes away, doing most of the tidying up, making the dinner..as I really don’t want take out every night. The kids are currently teething terrible, so we have a lot of whinging and irritable moods, with lots of crying over tiny things, which just cause me to be even more exhausted. I’m clearly not born to be a paper cut out, a stepford wife type. I do want to be able to provide for my family, but I find myself feeling so tired, I literally switch onto autopilot. I smile, I stay clam and carry on. I adjust from being the career focussed individual to being the homemaker, and I take my hat off to all working mums and dads out there who do the same.

xx

Re-intro

A situation, a moment, an experience happens. Time passes and the moment has gone. A regret or a sense of thankfulness remains… people move on, but I stay where I am.

I exit a situation, an when I return there’s a hope that I’ll be able to slot in, and pick up where I left off. Unfortunately that isn’t always the case. Sometimes you come back to a situation feeling more left out than not being in a situation at all.

Then on the other hand, there are experiences in life that I wish, now that I’m older and greyer (haha), I had taken advantage of being younger. I wish I had gotten drunk, smoke a cigarette just once… to see what it felt like. To allow myself to get swept away in loves young dream… to see if that even exists. I feel silly even thinking like this, but sometimes I feel like although my appearance has aged, my soul feels like a 25 year old, and not a trace of anything else.

xx

Tea point gesture

Today I went to the office tea point to grad a cup of water for myself and a fruit tea for a colleague. There was a member of the facilities team filling up the sugar sachet drawer, and topping up the mini UHT milk cartons.

There must have been at least 5 of us there, myself, the facilities Man, and three other people who work on the same floor. Everyone beavered around making their refreshments, some focussed on a single cup for them selves, others had a round for the team going on. I was watching while waiting for the fruit tea to brew a little. No one even acknowledged the facilities man. Not one hello, excuse me, or thank you. Almost as if he were invisible, and the tea point had automatic settings to fill up when stocks were low.

I was just a guilty for not saying anything.  One of the last to leave, as I removed the tea bag from the cup, I thanked him, and wished him a good day. He had the biggest smile! How many days had probably passed, and how many of those had he been ignored? How much effort did that take me? None, hardly any. Yet it has made some form of positive impact on someone’s day, even for a minute.

Why do we create hierarchies that are completely unnecessary? We are all human, we are all working, doing different roles, but that doesn’t make us any better or worse than anyone else. So then why can’t we be compassionate towards each other more. If small gestures can make an positive impact, then why don’t we just do it.

xx

Who’s deciding?

Every morning we wake up, get out of bed, get ready to start the day. We make decisions every waking second of our lives. What to wear, how to do our hair / make up, what to have for breakfast, or not, where to go, whom to speak to, how to act.

By doing this we appear to have control. We show this by not letting our guard down, or even by laying our cards all out on the table for the world to see… These are the decisions we appear to make.

Let’s just take a second to think, what if the decision we think we are making, the ones we appear to have control over, are actually more out of our control, than in? What if we’re all behaving and deciding things on an bigger force than we could imagine? What if we are merely playing out things that have already been decided for us? The saying what’s meant to be, will be rings true here. Destiny takes over. Does that mean we should just sit at home and wait for things to happen? Of course not! How boring would that be?

So then let’s say we all became slobs, and  sat around all day, is that what our destiny was meant to be?

A sense of achievement, and of appreciation disappear, because we havn’t really worked for anything. We having nothing to show for time spent, is that the type of life we want to lead? To teach our children to lead? I’d hope not.

My only hope is, do what makes you happy. If something doesn’t work for you, adjust it, change it.

A wise voice once said, “only an idiot would keep doing the same thing again and again, and expect a different result.”

xx

Who runs the World?

‘You’re having a girl? Oh how wonderful, the goddess of fortune is coming to your home!’

In the Indian culture girls, well, all women are seen as goddesses (apparently). In my opinion this is statement hypocritical and flattering at the same time.

With the hundreds of gods and goddesses that are worshipped all over india, women are seen as the symbolism of these goddesses. Therefore when a baby girl is born, she is seen and welcomed into a household as the goddess of prosperity and fortune. On the other hand, in uneducated parts of the world they are killed, because they are seen as a burden.

It seems to be a belief of convenience, rather than of religion, or tradition.

There is still a very obvious nod towards to woman being the homemaker, the default parent, and the main sacrificer within a family unit. Why?

The frustration I feel is, if it weren’t for a woman, none of us would be here. Admittedly it takes a man and a woman to conceive a child, but it is the woman who chooses to carry it, and look after it through until birth. It is the woman who makes us!

My hatred is focussed in these uneducated parts of the world, where people think it’s ok to sell girls, to rape them, abuse and mistreat them, to think they are items and objects to own. What gives anyone the right to think that it acceptable?! What gives these people the right to mistreat those that were once individuals to be worshipped?

xx

Available accessibility

This morning I swiped my phone right, tapped in some numbers and unlocked a world of memories as I scanned through the photos and videos I had taken. How convenient and accessible all this has become…. The ability to record and capture a moment, to keep and share, to delete, discard and recapture. Give way to the self obsessed, selfie world.

I’ll be honest, never really a fan of pictures of myself, with or without other people in them, so never really got into selfie taking. Recently have tried a couple of shots as a family, only for one child to look one way, as my husband tried to stop the other one wriggling away, lol. So have kept them for memories sake, but still feel rather uncomfortable taking photos of myself. I applaud those that have the confidence to do so, and they do it pretty well.

Our wedding was a ‘just get on with it’ situation. We knew we weren’t going to get away without any photos taken, so we decided the best way, was to give in for the duration of our wedding celebrations.

Funnily enough, as much as we don’t like our photo taken I do wish we had a few photos, where both us liked how we are captured, just so we have some snippets of our lives recorded.

I know my children, especially my daughter, are heading towards this selfie obsessed group, she’s already tilting her head slightly and smiling when a family member goes to take a picture of her! With the way technology is going, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the mirror itself taking the photos as you pout and pose!

xx

It’s up to you

How different we all are? Have you ever met someone that is exactly like you? When I mean exactly, I mean carbon copy… Probably not.

People say we are all cut from the same cloth, of the same design. Like a pattern cutter would cut a shirt. We are all born, and we will all, at some point, face death. We have created and developed many things as human beings, yet three things remain out of our control. Age, yes there maybe surgeries, exercise, diet, makeup for us to look younger, but that doesn’t mean we can stop the years adding up. Disease, it’s the most thoughtless and cold hearted thing to happen to us. We do not ask for it, yet it comes, can sometimes take over our lives, and our loved ones too, wreak havoc, and disappear, or it can stay with us forever, we try to ignore it, try not to let it win, but sometimes it does, no matter what we do. And Death, until we continue living on as robots, it’s safe to say that everyone will one day or another come to their end. Again we can try our best to be healthy, and happy, but if the end is near, no one can do anything to stop it.

This post isn’t meant to be depressing, or morbid. It’s meant to be realistic. For us, as human beings, in control of our lives, should live our lives out the way we want to. We should live in a fairy tale if that’s what makes us happy. Or move to a foreign land in search of adventure. Or tell that special someone how much they mean to us. Be different, be the same, be a unicorn or be a sheep. It is up to you to live your life how you see fit, and the rest will fall into place… Don’t worry, it may take a while, but it always does.

xx