Who do you think you are?

Here’s something that bothers me… a group of people who sit behind me at work, seem to constantly have a problem with the member of the team who happens to not be in the office at that time. Now, I understand we won’t always get on with everyone in the world. But I am intrigued to hear someone talking badly about person A, only for that same person to talk badly about person B with the person A, for the world to hear.

Its understandable that sometimes we need to have a rant and get things off our chests, but by complaining about someone and their constant complaining, doesn’t that make one just as bad as the other? Also why try and make out that you’re better than everyone? We’re all the same, fighting our own battles, some are weak where others are strong, and vice versa, but that doesn’t make anyone better than the next. I hear some people talking about things happening in the office and their workload as if it’s the most disastrous thing to ever happen… it’s not. A child dying of malnourishment is a disaster, a flood wiping out people’s homes and lives us a disaster, an earthquake is a disaster. Being encouraged to work from a hot desk isn’t. Listening to a CD on loop isn’t.

I’ve been guilty of not taking a rant or two away from people to hear… so I’m most definitely not preaching here. I’m hoping some of what I’m saying can embed in my head too. It bothers me that I’m not discreet enough.

If you need to vent, take it somewhere private. As you make judgments about others, think about the fact that this gives people the opportunity to make judgements about your character too.

xx

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Wants

So it’s just gone 11:30pm, and judging by my usual rock star (sarcastic) lifestyle, and my overly draining work week, one would assume I’d fall asleep, with the promise of a weekend tomorrow, as soon as my head hit the pillow. I’m usually asleep just after 10… told you, rock star!

A self made error on my part, I ate some sweets before bed. Not the ‘dessert’ kind, but the ‘sweet shop’ kind. The ‘E numbers overload’ kind, and now I can’t sleep!

When I can’t sleep, I think. And when I’ve had a few too many sweets, my mind goes into overdrive. Now as you’re probably aware from my previous posts, I’m a bit of an over thinker at the best of times. So more of it following on from a pretty long week, is not welcomed.

Anyways in my thinking, and the childishness of sweets, or more my lack of any kind of control towards them, reminded me of how there’s a suppressed child hidden in us all. Ourselves, our parents, our friends, colleagues, peers etc. Despite my age and family, I still feel like I’m not grown up, and clearly have childish tendencies. Sometimes, in my mind, I want what I want. Selfish as that may seem. It’s so simple. Like a child would want want something.

I see, I like, I want, I get.

As we grow, we care about how we are perceived, what impression we are leaving, we go around the houses, and during all this mayhem sometims we either lose focus, or we convince ourselves we don’t want it anymore. Of course there are many times we do get, and I hope this is the case for most people. My question is what do we lose out of those other occassions. Looking at it simplistically, the heart wants what the heart wants. However strong or not those feelings are, can you just switch them off?

An example today. My son loves his milk. But he worked himself up so much about going into the guest bedroom where we had shut the door, that he completely lost his love for milk for his new desire to get into that room. The strange thing I found was that after giving in (the weak, tired parent I am) he was still pushing away the milk as if he was blaming it for not getting into the room in the first place. Who lost out in the end? He did… he convinced himself he didn’t want milk, and went to bed with a quarter of what he’d normally have.

My point being, although things may distract you… and yes the heart wants what it wants, don’t sacrifice it due to other distractions! I’m not saying become really stubborn and lose any sense of reason, all I mean is never lose focus. We want what we want for a reason… we all have tailor made thoughts, wants and desires. Why shouldn’t we get what we want?

Apologies for the babbling…. it’s the sweets!

xx

 

It’s you

I’ve been referred to as a busy bee… constantly buzzing around… careful not smack right into a metaphorical (or actual) glass door.

For some reason, on most occasions, I just can’t seem to sit still and relax. I’m either finding an endless task list to work through, or I’m going over things in my head. How many of us are doing very much the same… just a busy bumble bee, wanting to stop, mentally or physically, but we just can’t?

People have walked in and out of our lives, some we maintain relationships of kind, others not so much. We make an effort where we can, but what about the relationship with ourselves, with our souls and state of minds? Do we not owe ourselves a little effort?

How many times a day do we just sit or stand or walk, just trying to focus on nothing else but the breath that enters and departs our lungs, feeling every muscle contract, and release. Sending our own pulse…. being truly grateful for what we have.. above all, being alive. Not many, I imagine. But what if we just took between 30-60 seconds a day, or maybe even a week to start off with. We sat in a quite space, able cut ourselves off from and thoughts than just our wellbeing? Just inhaling and exhaling the life into you. Finish off by saying a genuine thank you for the time you’ve allowed yourself for you.

The most important person in your life, is you. If you are not 100% there for you, hoe can you be there for anyone else? Give yourself your time… and see. What’s the worst that can happen?

xx

Not so sure

So a few months back I wrote about being a strong role model for my kids, showing them, especially my daughter that women can have it all… so how are things going?

Honestly…? It’s insanely hard. I knew it would be tough, but there are times, most days, that I feel like I’m below par in both my personal and my work life, simultaneously. I’m not able to give 100% in either arena. My kids hardly see me, my family try to understand, but I don’t blame them when they don’t, and I’m falling behind at work. I give every day my best shot, with true grit and determination, yet I feel like I’m failing.

So what’s the next step? What are my options? Carry on? Stop, and be a full time mumma, or a halfway house? Having gone through this in my head, and my heart, each are pulling me in different directions. So for now I aim to perserveer, make small changes here and there to give me a bit of breathing space. I can’t just quit anything, that’s just not me. The only one that can make this happen and work for me, is me. So until I win the lottery, let’s see where I get to.

xx

Girls vs Boys

This evening I read an article on social media about an all-girl engineer team building a solar powered tent for the homeless.

First if all, a huge congratulations, what an amazing thing to have brought to fruition. Amazing! However, what is focus here? A solution for the homeless? Team recognition as opposed to an individual taking the credit? Or the fact that it’s a group entirely made up of girls? Should that even be the focus anyway?

Why is it seen as a surprise when it a group of girls do well, vs a mixed group or a group of just boys? Had the tables been turned the article title would have never read ‘All-boy engineer team……’ so why emphasise the girls? Almost like it’s a surprised reaction to the fact that women could be just as intelligent as men. Why is our society still so backwards? That once had the recognition given, is the highlighting of an all female group even necessary? Why not focus on the fact that these engineers are actually high school student? Surely, that shows the humanity, compassion and resourcefulness of the youth of today, in a somewhat negatively impacted world at the moment.

As an audience, including myself, we gravitate towards articles like this, which do catch attention, but again with the focus being taken away from the achievement, to the equality incorrect wording of the title. Like a magnet, we are drawn to many thing, just via our subconscious, which may start us off thinking about one thing and we then end up at a very different destination, on a journey through words that we hadn’t even anticipated.

xx

Grateful

And so the cogs turn, and the wheels are in motion once again. The over thinking that is human nature. We all do it, some a lot more than others but that’s what differentiates us from robots. We feel emotion, and we think (sometimes over think) things through.

There are times when I wish I could. E a little more robotic. Sometimes I just procrastinate, to the point I actually annoy myself at how little I have to show for the time that has been spent. Other times I feel very grateful to have achieved things, and of where I am.

At the start of this week I set myself a challenge. Mainly work focussed, that I would work as efficiently as I could, cut out the faff, and use every moment smartly. I have to say, although yesterday was a slower start, today had been highly productive. Giving me the opportunity to come leavd work at 5, spend time with my kids and focus on my home life. Now the challenge is to continue this as much as possible.

Digressing a little, there was a time about three years ago when home life was the very thing I wanted to avoid. Just to clarify, not due to anyone’s fault, but actually because of my treatment that I was going through. It was partly my fault, I rushed into it too soon. My head was in a horrible place where I just wanted every opportunity to be away from home. It didn’t feel like home. I consumed myself with work, stayed late, got involved in extra projects, checked work e-mails once I got home, and then some. I felt like I wanted detachment. I felt that if I wasn’t at home, I could convince myself that I was ok, and keeping busy with work helped me do that. It was after this time had lapsed that I realised how patient my husband had been while I was going through this. He didn’t come in and try and figure it out, he let me make my way through the maze and was waiting for me on the other side. This lasted for almost a 7-8 months, I don’t know many people that could be that patient.

We have our disagreements, as most couples do, but no matter what, I could not be more grateful to have someone that cared.

xx

Weighing it out

Why does the thought of committing to something or someone fill people with fear, while for others it’s something that they can’t even think of moving on without?

I do sometimes find it strange when it’s part time commitment. I mean, you’re are in it or you’re not… right? Can you flex between black and white… and linger on grey?

I’m not just talking about relationships, this is referring to all things we come across in life. Relationships are an obvious, with your parents, siblings, partner, children, friends. Also your job, your hobbies, your beliefs, music, your love or hate for marmite, the list could go on for days!

I do however think that those who do linger on grey, still have a slight pull one way or another. And although that pull may not be near 100%, it by no means can be at 50% either.

So my commitment to weight loss comes into question here. I clearly am making active changes to my diet. Not dieting, but making healthier meal choices. The problem I’m faced with is that I just love food! Haha. I’m not saying I gorge out on it, but I really struggle when faced with a piping hot pizza, and have to say no. It just isn’t going to happen, we just need to face those facts!

Soon after my husband and I got married, I put on a colossal amount of weight… now I’ve never been the slimmest of women… I had clearly gone overboard. My portion sizes increased as did my dress size.

A few years ago I met up with a friend of mine… my longest standing friend to date, we’ve been friends for 30 years and counting, (I have a limited friend count, but that’s a story for another day.). Who went out at a certain pizza chain told me about the evils of bread. Without really giving it too much though I just stopped eating it. Initially it wasn’t as hard as I thought. I quite enjoyed the novelty of it, and finding alternative lunch options. Not to mentioned feeling less bloated and physically lighter. And yes the weight did start to come off. I didn’t really adjust the rest of my diet, just reviewed my portion sizes, so never felt like I was depriving myself of anything. Slowly. It surely my bum index went from obese to overweight. Now not many would be thrilled to be overweight, but I was thrilled. It had taken a lot of discipline and commitment, but I had finally found what worked for me.

Whenever I feel my faith in myself faltering I always look back to this particular scenario, and although it’s not like I saved someone’s life, but it most definitely works to give me that sense of achievement.

We all have examples of commitment in our lives, however bit or small. All those examples can help you be even better than you think, if you allow yourself to be.

xx