Grateful

And so the cogs turn, and the wheels are in motion once again. The over thinking that is human nature. We all do it, some a lot more than others but that’s what differentiates us from robots. We feel emotion, and we think (sometimes over think) things through.

There are times when I wish I could. E a little more robotic. Sometimes I just procrastinate, to the point I actually annoy myself at how little I have to show for the time that has been spent. Other times I feel very grateful to have achieved things, and of where I am.

At the start of this week I set myself a challenge. Mainly work focussed, that I would work as efficiently as I could, cut out the faff, and use every moment smartly. I have to say, although yesterday was a slower start, today had been highly productive. Giving me the opportunity to come leavd work at 5, spend time with my kids and focus on my home life. Now the challenge is to continue this as much as possible.

Digressing a little, there was a time about three years ago when home life was the very thing I wanted to avoid. Just to clarify, not due to anyone’s fault, but actually because of my treatment that I was going through. It was partly my fault, I rushed into it too soon. My head was in a horrible place where I just wanted every opportunity to be away from home. It didn’t feel like home. I consumed myself with work, stayed late, got involved in extra projects, checked work e-mails once I got home, and then some. I felt like I wanted detachment. I felt that if I wasn’t at home, I could convince myself that I was ok, and keeping busy with work helped me do that. It was after this time had lapsed that I realised how patient my husband had been while I was going through this. He didn’t come in and try and figure it out, he let me make my way through the maze and was waiting for me on the other side. This lasted for almost a 7-8 months, I don’t know many people that could be that patient.

We have our disagreements, as most couples do, but no matter what, I could not be more grateful to have someone that cared.

xx

Weighing it out

Why does the thought of committing to something or someone fill people with fear, while for others it’s something that they can’t even think of moving on without?

I do sometimes find it strange when it’s part time commitment. I mean, you’re are in it or you’re not… right? Can you flex between black and white… and linger on grey?

I’m not just talking about relationships, this is referring to all things we come across in life. Relationships are an obvious, with your parents, siblings, partner, children, friends. Also your job, your hobbies, your beliefs, music, your love or hate for marmite, the list could go on for days!

I do however think that those who do linger on grey, still have a slight pull one way or another. And although that pull may not be near 100%, it by no means can be at 50% either.

So my commitment to weight loss comes into question here. I clearly am making active changes to my diet. Not dieting, but making healthier meal choices. The problem I’m faced with is that I just love food! Haha. I’m not saying I gorge out on it, but I really struggle when faced with a piping hot pizza, and have to say no. It just isn’t going to happen, we just need to face those facts!

Soon after my husband and I got married, I put on a colossal amount of weight… now I’ve never been the slimmest of women… I had clearly gone overboard. My portion sizes increased as did my dress size.

A few years ago I met up with a friend of mine… my longest standing friend to date, we’ve been friends for 30 years and counting, (I have a limited friend count, but that’s a story for another day.). Who went out at a certain pizza chain told me about the evils of bread. Without really giving it too much though I just stopped eating it. Initially it wasn’t as hard as I thought. I quite enjoyed the novelty of it, and finding alternative lunch options. Not to mentioned feeling less bloated and physically lighter. And yes the weight did start to come off. I didn’t really adjust the rest of my diet, just reviewed my portion sizes, so never felt like I was depriving myself of anything. Slowly. It surely my bum index went from obese to overweight. Now not many would be thrilled to be overweight, but I was thrilled. It had taken a lot of discipline and commitment, but I had finally found what worked for me.

Whenever I feel my faith in myself faltering I always look back to this particular scenario, and although it’s not like I saved someone’s life, but it most definitely works to give me that sense of achievement.

We all have examples of commitment in our lives, however bit or small. All those examples can help you be even better than you think, if you allow yourself to be.

xx

Passing Judgment

I jump on the tube this morning, a pleasant temperature, compared to the heat of the day to come. My day goes on, the temperature rises.. as I walk through the office I fell like I’m being transported to various locations. The stairwell becomes a glasshouse, toasty and warming. The walkway to the lifts feels like you’ve just disembarked a flight and are slapped in the face with the flat and heated tar smell in the air. Let’s not even contemplate how I’d have to had brace myself to leave the office and go outside. My desk serves as the cool retreat to from all the heat.

Looking at my brown skin, I see a perplexed expression on people faces when I say I don’t deal with the heat so well. I can tell in their eyes they just want to say, ‘but you’re Indian, India’s hot!’ The thing is, as with most people, you tend to acclimatise with your surroundings. I was born in the U.K., so that’s what my body is used to, however my Father, who spent the first 30-35 years in india, even struggles with the heat here 40 years on.

We are such unique creatures that we can, most of the time, just adjust and adapt… it doesn’t take a lot to create attachment and feel a sense of belonging, other than the desire to be there. There are some that choose to integrate and others that choose not to. It doesn’t make one worse or better than the other, it’s just a choice they have decided to make. There may also be the case where an individual or a group want to kntegrate, but the surroundings don’t allow it.

We all need to be considerate of the before passing judgement on others. Some may broadcast, and others remain private… but that doesn’t mean they don’t have their struggles, frustrations and grievances.

Everyone is fighting their own battle on the daily loop they call life.

xx

We are

Life creates. Everything we say creates, everything we do, the way we behave creates.

It creates, it disappoints, it exhilarates. We  teach, we learn, we react, we retreat.

although I started this blog with ‘life creates’, it is the result of what we control.

Ultimately we are who we are, we are defined by our actions, we are judged by ourselves by our emotions. We are judged by others by our behaviour. We do and therefore we are.

xx

Unreal Romance

A hopeless romantic to the core, I used to spend my teenage years lusting after a relationship with the guy of my dreams, filled with romance, wonder, friendship and love.

Having always been an antisocial butterfly, my days were spent in school/college and even university in the hope for someone to come and sweep me off my feet, to make me feel like all they could see was me, where I was their priority. Evenings were drowned in music dependant on my mood. However, if I love song came on… my mind would wonder off once again.

As years go by, people come in and out of your life. Your relationship need-state tapers and changes… obviously. You realise that what you thought you once wanted, you now don’t. What you thought you could live with, you now won’t. We alter as people and therefore our needs do to.

It doesn’t mean to say if you’re in a relationship, you just leave it behind and move on, because you want different things. Albeit that may have been what many of us may be guilty of in our younger years. Of course you work on moving in the same direction together. Sometimes that works, and other times time out may be required.

Over the weekend just gone, I was watching a film… yes a rom com – Bollywood style. Haha! and deep down inside there’s still that hopeless romantic, who I thought had faded away, but nope. After all these years she’s still there, getting swept up in the romance portrayed on screen, thinking about how cleverly made these films are, to just be able to transport you to somewhere unreal so easily.

xx

Feel good

Every year our company offers up a paid day for individuals or teams to put towards some form of charity work.
Is this a strategic step, or genuine corporate responsibility?

There are obvious benefits to these days, starting off with the feel good factor. You’ll never walk away from one of these days feeling bad. Moreover your employer benefits by upping its corporate responsibility credentials. But the charity/communities that are also helped in the obvious ways, but at much more speed, and intensity.

Let’s have a think… putting task and result centric individuals, equipped with a job list, tools and instruction that it’s expected to be a laid back day, is only going to deliver more than is expected. That’s clearly a given.

Putting that aside, and from a personally perspective, these days are highly rewarding on an emotional scale. They endorse a lot more than just community spirit… team work, helping find skills I didn’t even know I had, showing people’s tender side that they may try so hard to hide, lol. Gives me experiences that I would otherwise not had the opportunity to be part of.

Some may still ask, are corporate charity day encouraged by the workplace just a tick box exercise? I think not. They are something that should be encouraged and completed far more than they are. They help us step out of our bubbles and genuinely appreciate the bigger picture.

I can’t help it

I can’t help how I feel. I can’t help the desire that I want you to feel isn’t there.

I can’t help the smile that creeps onto my face when I think of you.

I can’t help the fear or the sadness I feel at the thought of losing you.

I can’t help the disappointment I feel when I don’t stand out to you.

I can’t help the anger I feel at the idea someone has upset you.

I can’t help the frustration I feel at myself for feeling at all.

So is it time for a change? A fresh clean, crisp start…. once again?

I may not be able to control my feelings, but I have learnt how to hide them.

I still miss how things were, but I have learnt that situations change and we must adapt.

I may want certain things, but have learnt that the universe will do what is right for me… even if I don’t agree with it at the time.

I may feel weak from time to time, but I know how mentally strong I have become.

I may feel I’ve written this for myself to offload, but I know many will relate.

xx