Time has gone by, achievements made, experiences had, some good, some not so. I have grown up, I have aged, I have matured. So then why do childlike insecurities haunt me till this day. Why does someone’s passing comment feel harsh and critical. It’s not, they don’t even remember saying it, yet it stings. Maybe because it’s true?
So in a recent post I mentioned about starting to want to feel more like me, I starting wearing a little make again. But I have been told I look like a ghost, that it is unappealing. I’m wearing for myself, so why should it even bother me what others think? But it does. It pisses me off that at 34 I can’t even feel secure enough in myself over something fairly insignificant. How am I meant yoinstill anything more in my kids if I can’t even control my own insecurities.
At home I walk to the bathroom and wash my face, remove the makeup I am wearing, and reveal the tired looking face that makes me feel less confident about myself. I stare at my reflection for a while, wondering which situation is worse…. before I know it I feel a warm tear running down my cheek. I look away from myself as if I can’t see myself cry. I’ve always been one to hide my tears, only a very select few have ever seen them. I close my eyes, wipe away the further tears formed and take a deep breath. Clearly this is not the end of the world. It just feels a little like one step forward, two steps back. Every time I gain a little confidence I seem to lose it just as fast. I’m unable to continue the self growth. It’s my own issue and I know. I’m made up from things of my past, attempting to shape a stronger more resilient future. I just hope I can achieve it, one step at a time.