So last Monday was my first day back… The Sunday night was filled with anxiousness and a little excitement too. The work itself, not anything incredible, but I had missed the people, the culture and environment. I was looking forward to general adult conversation!
The thing I had forgotten about, and clearly completed on auto pilot previous to leaving work to have my bubbas, was the commute. OMG, the commute!
As we have recently moved to be a bus ride away from the underground, I figured an hour or so, door to door, should do it. So at 7:10, I kissed my little ones and husband goodbye, with my eyes welling up a little in the process. As I left my home, all the anxiousness has gone, all I felt was guilt. Hoping it would pass I made my way to the bus stop and then onto the tube station.
I board the train that arrives, and there are no seats available. Within a couple of stops the train is rammed, concept of personal space is a distant memory. The only way to get a bit of space is to look up, and for you tall ones out there, even that’s not great! The other thing, more people on the train, means that obviously, the train stops for longer, and moves slightly more slowly. So the 20 minute journey takes 35-40 minutes.
Anyways, as I finally changed trains, and made my way to the office, sat down to attempt to get started, my computer profile was still deactivated! Aargh! Stlightly annoyed, everyone who needed to know my re-start date knew this a month prior, so I sat there like the new kid, trying to be helpful, without being a nuisance to my colleague who was clearly overloaded with work.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the kids at home, their routine ingrained in my mind, every time I checked the time, it was nap time, or milk time, or lunch time. I was missing them so much. This was the first time I was spending the entire day away from them.
Whilst trying to get my computer access sorted, I kept bumping into colleagues, who, very kindly, made me feel like I was really missed, hugs galore, and lovely smiles as the realised I was back. I was feeling much better about being back, at the same time as wanting to be with my kids too.
As the day passed, I headed home, with another crappy commute, and then to top it off a 5-10 minute walk in the dark, due to buses being diverted and not stopping near my home.
I open the door, and I can hear my two playing upstairs with their nanny. As I approach them, their faces bean with gorgeous smiles! As lovely as that welcome is, I start to feel a pang of guilt. How must they have felt, when the one constant In their life, just up and left them for the day? Was the time spent commuting worth it? Was going back to work the right decision?
I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I guess, allowing my kids to be a little independant of me can only be a good thing. For me, to have time away doing something else, most definitely makes me appreciate my time with them even more. At the end of the day, if I don’t give this a go, I might regret it, I might not, but only time will tell.